Pretty Green on Both Sides of the Fence

Man alive the time, she's a flyin', and not just since my last blog post! (If I haven't already provided full disclosure on my special gift of procrastination consider this your fair warning.)  Believe me my unintentional blog avoidance is not due to a lack of material to share; On the contrary actually. We've been pretty dang busy over here for the last few weeks! Even now I'm trying to figure how I could possibly recap our mid summer extravaganzas in the amount of time and patience I have available and quite frankly I don't have enough of either right now to do it justice. Suffice to say it's been a super awesome travel, friend, pool, play date, bike/scooter, book & movie, wine & cheese, ice cream sandwich, flip-flop, bathing suit, fun in the sun filled summer that I hope to recap as opportunity allows. We're doing our part to make sure we don't lose a minute of wasted time unless it's time we enjoy wasting but somehow this summer is whizzing by me like New York traffic. Maybe it's because for the first time in a long time I don't have any little babies rendering me home bound to avoid heat stroke. Maybe it's because my little guys are *actually* getting along more than they're fighting. Maybe it's because I can count the number of hours I've spent in the past month with my first born on two hands and it feels like she'll be catapulted into the 7th grade before I've had enough time to soak her in. Maybe it's because the end of summer marks the beginning of this wild ride on the triathlon circuit and I just don't quite feel ready. Whatever the reason, I'm really having a hard time letting go!


In a past life I worked as a Recruiter and Operations Manager for a large military subcontractor that hired civilian medical personnel to work in military hospitals and clinics. Regardless of the 'extreme hours to ridiculous pay' ratio I found the challenge extremely fulfilling. I adored all the traveling, the constant interaction with people and the fast and furious pace at which it all shook out. I loved that job even though it literally sucked the life out of me. I loved that job even though it ate away at the precious and fleeting moments I had to spend with my sweet baby girl during her toddler years. I loved that job even though I fantasized about the green grass on the Stay at Home Mom's side of the fence knowing full well SAHM's were married to doctors and lawyers who made a gazillion dollars and they spent their days perusing libraries and museums with their privileged offspring. Obviously a single mom like me could never even consider that option.


After I married and welcomed my second child into the world I happily gave up the craziness of my former work life to raise my family. I was over the moon! Ecstatic! And it didn't even take a doctor/lawyer/gazillionaire to pull it off! I'm not even exaggerating a little bit when I say it took me a good three years to settle into my new role as 'just a mom and wife.' It felt a little bit like whiplash actually. I felt like I didn't know myself at all anymore. Sure I could recognize and at least partially convince myself of the significantly bigger and more important job I was doing by growing, birthing, nurturing, educating and blah blah blahing these four gorgeous creatures, but it didn't feel as big and important. I certainly wasn't setting Thames on fire. It felt a little bit like I'd been pricked with a thousand needles and all the 'me' just slowly drained out; A Shell-O-Meg left behind robotically maneuvering through June Cleavers to do list day after day. Okay, okay so maybe I've never greeted frank at the door in a pleated skirt and apron, roast in the oven and a perfectly coiffed hairdo. Hell half the time I'd barely showered and considered dinner homemade if it was heated in the oven rather than the microwave. The point is the green grass on this side of the fence was sort of itchy and took a lot of getting used to.


Even now that I've sort of recreated myself again, a comfortable little homemaker cap upon my head (a masterpiece in progress one might say) I cannot deny the stinging desire I have to keep my hands in the 'real world' so that when all of my kids finally do enter school full time I'll have something more than the bliss of domesticity to fill my suddenly quieter days. However right now my days are far from quiet and there is nary enough room to swing a cat in our schedule let alone carve out productive work time.


And here enters the ridiculous conundrum that is my life, and perhaps the life of many moms who work from home. I have the best of both worlds, yet sometimes it gets the best of me.


I absolutely L.O.V.E. my job as a Volunteer Director. I am sincerely honored to attach my name to the amazing group of human beings that come together and selflessly give their time and energy for the benefit of others. I like the challenge, the organized chaos, the satisfaction I get from watching these races come together full circle, and it's damn good fun.


I also L.O.V.E. my job as a mom. In those little instances where I witness the generous and loving spirits of my sweet babies and think about the ripple effects they'll have on the universe I swoon. To call motherhood an incredible journey is a gross understatement. But it is a serious challenge for me to tick-tock between the two roles sometimes. I'm pretty sure the heart of the problem lies in this simple fact: I'm happiest doing exactly what I'm doing at any given moment. Sort of like an object flying through space staying it's course until something changes it's direction, I love my time in 'mommy mode' until I'm bumped into 'work mode'. Then I want to hunker down and enjoy my ride as a worker bee without being bumped back into mom mode. I just happen to find the 'bump' itself *super* annoying! In reality this quasi analogy is nothing more than a nicer way of saying 'I don't want to work right now, I want to play with my kids!' and then saying 'I don't like to be interrupted and I need my kids to go to school so I can get something done around here!' Right now I'm living in the void between these two places and all this teetering is causing me a little strife.


The truth is it's been such an awesome summer. I usually get to enjoy the last few weeks with my kids preparing them for their new school year and squeezing out lots of last minute shenanigans before we all settle into a new regimented fall routine. This year our first race falls in September rather than November and I don't have the luxury of seven hours of kid free time to depend on yet. I'm patiently waiting for school to start and the annoying little 'bump' to do it's thing but finding I need more of a violent shove to get it together. Reality is a good one. With two World Championship Triathlons right around the corner it's officially time to jump in with both feet and get cozy...I'm in for the long haul this season! 

Now that it's right in front of me, I'm suddenly super excited to play in the grass on the other side of the fence again! If only these kids would get the hint and stop sucking me back into all the fun their having so I could focus!!